The Mysterious Ticking Noise

I haven't had a video in a little while, here's what I have been watching lately.

Haloween Special

From http://www.ahajokes.com/fp007.html

Top Signs You're Too Old to Trick or Treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live

Bumper Stickers: the freeway's humor

Cruising down a random freeway near my house, i saw a bumper sticker. What this bumper sticker said, I do not know now but it made me laugh. I was going to post it, but i realized bumper stickers are a category of humor alone.

It is time for a blog to BUMPER STICKERS!

Now introducing.... Bumper to Bumper Humor

American Idol: A Joke

Another column from the mastermind of humor: Dave Barry

Talented? Get in line for 'American Idol' tryouts

BY DAVE BARRY

It's early Monday morning, and on the north side of AmericanAirlines Arena is a densely packed crowd of thousands of people who truly believe they have exceptional musical talent. They've been herded between barricades, where they've been waiting patiently in the humid darkness, some of them for hours, not unlike cattle, except that instead of mooing, every minute or so somebody deep in the sweating mass belts out a random snippet of a song such as Unchained Melody, as if this person simply cannot hold his or her talent inside any longer without exploding in a blinding fireball of musical excellence.
Why are these people, some of whom have come great distances, here at this insane hour? They're here because they have a dream. It's a dream shared by millions of Americans, a belief that if they put themselves in the right place at the right time, and catch a lucky break, maybe -- just maybe -- they will get . . .
An American Idol wristband!
That's the most they can hope to get today. The wristband would entitle them to return two days later and wait hours again for a 30-second audition that will maybe get them called back in September, when they will get another audition that will maybe get them to a third audition for the actual Idol judges -- Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell -- who will conclude that, in the vast majority of cases, they suck. Each judge will indicate this in his or her trademark style:
• Randy, after calling the contestant ''dog'' to indicate that Randy has street cred and is a nice guy who likes the contestant personally, will regretfully note that the performance was ''a little pitchy,'' a technical musical term meaning that the contestant sounds like a cat trapped in a microwave oven set on ``popcorn.''
• Paula will do her best to form a coherent sentence saying something nice about the contestant, which is very difficult because the words are apparently being transmitted to Paula's brain one letter at a time from a completely different galaxy.
• Simon, with the facial expression of a man passing a live badger through his digestive system, will say something cruel. Simon is always irritated during auditions because (a) he wants a cigarette; (b) he's sick and tired of listening to these pathetic delusional people who, without getting a nickel, allow themselves to be exploited and humiliated by a TV show that makes millions and millions of dollars for . . . OK, for Simon . . . but he's still irritated because (c) he really wants a cigarette.
But most of the people waiting outside the arena this morning will never get as far as the judges, because most of them are just not as great at singing as they believe they are and their friends and moms have told them they are.
They don't know this, of course. They believe they are major talents, about to be discovered. When I talk to people in the crowd at random, almost every one, without being prompted, says, with real conviction, ''I'm going to be the next American Idol!'' It's actually quite moving, by which I mean scary.
Finally, at 6:35 a.m., the producers announce that they're going to start letting people into the arena, in groups of 50, to register for the auditions. The massive talent herd, still emitting random song snippets, lurches forward. I'm standing off to the side with several other professional journalists when an intense pony-tailed man in a tank top breaks away from the crowd to talk to us. He's 28-year-old Michael Westbrook, although he informs us that his stage name is Mikel Shane. He came from Eureka, Mo., to audition.
''Dude,'' he says, without being asked, ''I'm really talented.'' He says that in addition to singing, he has written a children's book, The Silly Dilly Dot.
''It's about punctuation,'' he says. ''It's very educational.'' He starts to explain the plot, but fortunately the line starts moving again.
''For real,'' says Michael/Mikel, ''I'm really, really talented.'' He turns and plunges back into the sweating mass of exceptionally talented people shuffling forward, inch by hopeful inch, toward their wristbands, and fame.
Now it's early Wednesday morning, and the contestants, wearing wristbands, have again gathered in the dark, thousands and thousands of them, forming a line that wraps around the arena. Most were here before 5 a.m., even though the auditions won't start for hours. There are TV crews moving up and down the line, and wherever they point their cameras, people burst into song. The prevalent singing style is the one popularized by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, where the goal seems to be to hit as many notes as humanly possible for every syllable of every word of the lyrics, so the singer's voice is constantly swooping up and down the scale until you want to scream STOP YOUR DAMN SWOOPING AND PICK A DAMN NOTE.
Or maybe that's just me.
In addition to singing, some contestants in the crowd are campaigning for themselves.
''It's time for a Latin American Idol!'' shouts a Latin man.
''It's time for a big-girl American Idol!'' responds a woman who could easily start at offensive tackle for the Dolphins.
Standing a few yards away, holding a press conference, is a man who actually has some say in who achieves Idolhood: Senior Producer Patrick Lynn.
''What we're looking for is originality,'' he says. ''We're not interested in people who are just trying to get on the show.'' (To me, this seems to rule out pretty much everybody wearing a wristband. But what do I know?) Lynn also says there are 12 audition songs that the producers have heard way too many times and are sick of, although he will not say what these songs are. (Although one of them has to be Unchained Melody.)
Finally the producers start letting people into the arena to audition. The press isn't allowed, so I can't witness the release of this tidal wave of pent-up talent. The weeding-out will take a couple of hours, after which the contestants will trickle back out. A few will be ecstatic, because they're moving on, which means they still have a remote chance to become famous household names like previous Idol winners such as . . . OK, for example that guy with the hair, whatshisname.
But the vast majority of the contestants will come out disappointed. For most of them, the high point of their show-business careers will be . . .
An American Idol wristband!
I decide not to wait around to watch the wristbanded rejects make their mass re-entry to Reality. I'd rather leave now, while the air is thick with hope, and all these people, despite the glare of the morning sun, can still see stardom shining brightly ahead.

A MUST Have product

2008 is a big year:

February is going to have 29 days!
The summer olympics are in Beijing.
President Bush will be out of office! :-)

Concerning the last one, I have heard about a new calendar for 2008.


It is called Bad: President. (click here to see it on Amazon.com)

Workman Publishing's description of it:

It's Almost Over

On January 20, 2009, George W. Bush will no longer be President of the United States. Can't wait? This calendar—which runs through the end of his term—will help pass the time with hundreds of hilarious "bad" photos with captions, barbed presidential jokes, "Profiles in Outrage," hair-raising facts, plus quotes about Bush and from Bush, including his word on why we should ease up on the taxes for the wealthy: "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway."

It is avaliable in stores now.

Illegal Immigrant on TV.

Yeah that's right, there's a new illegal immigrant from Mexico, on TV!

It's...........Dora!(the explorer)

Here's proof from JibJab:

Dora the Explorer is So An Illegal Immigrtant

It is so clear that Dora the Explorer is an illegal immigrant. The evidence is all around us.

1. She speaks Spanish...PERFECTLY! What is she...like 5!! Her backpack even speaks Spanish perfectly!

2. That backpack of her's has EVERYTHING in it! And we're talking everything! Life support, water and food, clothing for any weather, ropes, grappling hooks, shoes....I mean c'mon!

3. She's carrying a freaking ZOO with her! I mean, she has a monkey, a band of insects, a gazillion other animals! Really! What kind of legal immigrant has that many pets!?

4. She's always on an "adventure" to transport a "package" to some destination and is always being stalked by a person trying to take that package...I mean, really, Swiper is obviously some sort of border patrol person trying to collect evidence of Dora's entire drug-trafficking buisness.

The evidence is so obvious and around you guys! And they're even poisoning our little children with them. Who wants our toddlers to grow up knowing Spanish before English?!

My Rabbit: A Gruesome Poem from the Gut

I have posted too many videos compared to humorous articles and funny pictures. And they are all from other comedians who are well known at some level. But now I shall present a true work of NASTY humor from a lesser known comedian: me.

My Rabbit
I have a rabbit.
I have a radioactive rabbit.
I have a radioactive ninja rabbit.
I have a butt-biting, radioactive ninja rabbit.
I didn't know.
Now I don't go to the bathroom.

Swiss Firefighters Rap

Swiss firefighters rap in French about calling 811 for emergencies. If you don't understand French it sounds really funny!

Nuckin' Futs

THIS VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY INAPPOROPRIATE. PLEASE BE AWARE THAT IF YOU ARE YOUNG PLEASE RUN AWAY! ~THANK YOU DOSE OF LAUGHTER

Peace Day 2007

A video made by the high school digital photography class at my school. It gets funny at the end!

A Cartoon

Here's a cartoon from Reader's Digest Magazine's website (www.rd.com).

Funny Magic Trick

Double Dose!

A dose of humor and of magic!

A New "Pharmacy"

Its been several months of doses, but now you can get a dose of laughter from zNet ezine. The new website's link can be found at left. This new source of laughter will feature videos, jokes, a forum where you can post your own jokes and hilarious stories, talking characters, and you can have it all e-mailed to you when something new comes!

A Political Dose

In our time we have many great people and leaders setting trends to help purify the problems of the Earth. Sometimes they succeed or sometimes they get laughed at, but if both apply then I call it Political Humor. Here are few that joke around with today's politics and economy.

P.S. - These jokes make fun of your or your parents' nightmare - $3/gallon gas

President Bush today announced a new fitness plan to get people walking. It's called gasoline at three dollars a gallon. ~Jay Leno

There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil. ~Stephen Colbert

A Corny Joke

Laughter comes with most jokes. This is not one of them.

A company's CEO is fired and replaced. The new CEO is a man who believes in saving money and making the company more efficent. One day when the new CEO walks into the break room he meets a man leaning on the window. He finds out the man's salary is $300/week and is outraged and fires him after giving him $300. Later the CEO goes and talks with another employee. When asked what the fired man's job was, the employee replies that he was the Dominoes delivery man.

"How Do You Spell S-A-T?" by Dave Barry

School is coming up and people are refreshing on tools to survive it. Also for many high school students, 2008 is the year of the SAT, the main ticket to a prestigous college. For those of you confused, here is a small FAQ from Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry.

OK, high school students: I want you to stop piercing your noses for a moment and listen to me, because I'm going to talk to you about a topic that is more important to your future than anything else except flossing — your SATs.

It is very unfortunate that these tests cause some of you to experience great stress — or, as you say in your own teenage lingo, "make a cow." You believe that if you get a low SAT score, you're a dope and you'll have to attend some third-rate college where the classrooms have wheels and the athletic teams have a nickname like "The Fighting Tarpaulins," and you'll wind up in some boring, dead-end-loser job such as ragpicker or leech monger or Whitewater investigator. This is incorrect, young people!

A low SAT score does not automatically mean failure! Remember that Charles Lindbergh got only 240 on his verbal, and he went on to invent the phonograph. And if that's not inspirational enough, let me tell you a little story about a young man who took his first SAT and did very poorly. His parents were disappointed; his friends laughed at him; his dog went to the bathroom on his feet. But that young man did not give up. He signed up to take the SAT again, and he prepared by getting up every day at 3:30 a.m. to study, and when the time came to take the second SAT, he walked into that testing room and set an American record — which will probably never be broken — for falling asleep. Today he makes his living wearing ill-fitting pants and serving contaminated hamburger to the public.

The point, young people, is that there is a right way and a wrong way to prepare for your SATs, and unless you are even stupider than you look, you want to do it the right way. To help you, I would like to present the following list of "Common Questions and Answers About the SAT," which was prepared by the American Association of High School Educational Professionals Hiding Out in the Lounge.

Q. What is the SAT?

A. The term "SAT" is a set of initials, or "antonym," standing for "Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization." This is a series of tests that predict your ability to perform in the college environment by measuring the degree to which you possess knowledge that nobody would ever in a million years actually need.

Q. What is the origin of the SAT?

A. The SAT was developed by the prestigious Educational Testing Service, which is located in Princeton, N.J., home of Harvard University. The original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the ETS's Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake." So the ETS invented a standardized test wherein high-school students were required to fill in circles on an answer sheet. The first SATs had no questions: Your score was based entirely on how many circles you filled in, and you could get extra credit by writing on your desk. When colleges complained that too many students were getting high scores, the ETS introduced questions, mostly on topics of interest to ETS personnel, such as "Where can you get decent Chinese food in the Princeton, N.J., area?" Today, the questions are developed by a prestigious team of world-renowned academic experts, who get them from "Jeopardy."

Q. Does the SAT ever contain errors?

A. Yes. Just last year, for example, an alert Michigan youngster named Jeremy Winklehopper received national attention when he noticed that, contrary to what he had learned in physics class, the SAT defined "gravity" as "a type of snake."

Q. What happened when this was brought to the attention of the Educational Testing Service?

A. Everybody enjoyed a hearty laugh, and then Jeremy's score was changed to minus 46,000 points, thus assuring that no college would ever accept him. He is currently employed in the field of urinal maintenance.

Q. Was the SAT definition of "gravity" changed?

A. Yes. It is now defined as "a heavy type of snake."

Q. What should I do if I don't know the answer to a multiple-choice SAT question?

A. Experts suggest that you start by "weeding out" the answers that are obviously false. Some of the telltale signs to look for are:
The answer contains swear words.
The answer is followed by a little sarcastic note in parentheses such as, "Oh, sure, that makes sense."
The answer contains the phrase, "according to a White House spokesperson."

Q. I have heard that I can increase my SAT score by attaching a $20 bill to the answer sheet. Is this true?

A. "Absolutely not," stated an Educational Testing Service spokesperson who identified himself as Bob. "You're going to have to do way better than that, with the price of decent Chinese food being what it is in Princeton." Bob noted that the record for the highest SAT score ever is still held by Donald Trump, who, while only in sixth grade, got 117 billion points.

Q. Can you give me the answers to this year's SAT test?

A. Well, I suppose if you sent me a large sum of cash money, I could. But that would be wrong, and I would never do such a thing, according to a White House spokesperson.

The Harry Potter Rap

In honor of the seventh and final Harry Potter Book I present you the unofficial Harry Potter rap that makes you magically fit in tip-top funny state.

TV MAY BE HEALTHY!

TV may be healthy, more specifically - funny tv. If your'e
still in doubt, get healthy the "Saturday Night Live" way!

Under 21- Saturday Night Live (NBC)

Double Healthy

Get in tip-top, laughing state as you try to keep Bush healthy!

Bush Aerobics Help President Bush get fit and ready for his day.

Play this free game now!!

THE FIRST POST!!

Trying to lose a little weight*?
Get sick too often?
Try "A Dose of Laughter"!

According to scientific research, laughing daily for 10 minutes each day for one whole year can help you lose more or less 4.4 pounds* and also helps develop cells that fight diseases. Even forcing ourselves to laugh can help. But for those uncomfortable laughing by force this blog is here to help you.

"A Dose of Laughter" gives you a daily tidbit of humor so you stay in tip-top laughing condition. Who knows maybe you'll live for a few more months?

*"A Dose of Laughter" is not encouraging you to stop excercising and eating nutritious meal. Laughing is just an extra boost. So please do excersize and eat right.