New Years Resolution

It's finally 2008! This year is going to be fun because we finally have February 29! We also have a whole load of new funny videos to come about the upcoming presidential elections. Summer olympics are also to come. 2008 is bound to be a year of laughter (like every year!). So to start off this year, it's best we make some resolutions so we can end 2008 better than we started it. Don't know how to make a good resolution? Well here is Dave Barry's help/opinion on making one:

WAIT ‘TIL NEXT YEAR
By Dave Barry, The Miami Herald, January 4, 1998

Right now, while you’re still burping up little gaseous reminders of the estimated 78 cheese puffs you consumed on New Year’s Eve, is the time to make your New Year’s resolutions.
Why make resolutions? Because you CAN be a better person. I bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect — somebody who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of decomposing raccoons.
You wonder how that person “does it all,” don’t you? Well, stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off the sofa, put on some active sportswear, and kill that person with a crowbar!
No, seriously, you need to make some New Year’s resolutions so that you can become a better you — a more-attractive you; an organized you; a you that is … well, less like you.
At this point you are saying: “Dave, I would love nothing better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is that I will lose weight, and currently my thighs are the diameter of the trans-Alaska pipeline.”
Don’t feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year’s resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring.
“We just lost our motivation,” they reported. “Also, we found ourselves eating Twinkies by the case.”
So we see that keeping resolutions can be difficult. But you CAN do it, if you follow these practical tips:
1. BE REALISTIC.
Many people give up because they “set their sights too high.” In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:
Unrealistic Goal: “In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.”
Realistic Goal: “Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat like a military life raft.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will learn to speak Chinese.”
Realistic Goal: “I will order some Chinese food.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will read a good book.”
Realistic Goal: “I will examine the outsides of some good books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore where they sell pastries.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will do volunteer work for a worthy cause.”
Realistic Goal: “I will give myself a hearty scratching.”

2. THINK POSITIVE.
To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the inside of your eyeglasses:
“I CAN do it, and I WILL do it! Starting next year!”

3. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on The Jerry Springer Show. Think about it: The Appalachian mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wadsof minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight!
FACT: The word “Perrier” is French for “balloon butt.”
I have run out of room here, thank God, so let me say in closing that I wish you the best of luck with your 1998 resolutions, and I will do the best to keep my own resolution, which is to give you, every single week, the most useful, informative and accurate columns I possibly can.
Starting next year.

"How Do You Spell S-A-T?" by Dave Barry

School is coming up and people are refreshing on tools to survive it. Also for many high school students, 2008 is the year of the SAT, the main ticket to a prestigous college. For those of you confused, here is a small FAQ from Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry.

OK, high school students: I want you to stop piercing your noses for a moment and listen to me, because I'm going to talk to you about a topic that is more important to your future than anything else except flossing — your SATs.

It is very unfortunate that these tests cause some of you to experience great stress — or, as you say in your own teenage lingo, "make a cow." You believe that if you get a low SAT score, you're a dope and you'll have to attend some third-rate college where the classrooms have wheels and the athletic teams have a nickname like "The Fighting Tarpaulins," and you'll wind up in some boring, dead-end-loser job such as ragpicker or leech monger or Whitewater investigator. This is incorrect, young people!

A low SAT score does not automatically mean failure! Remember that Charles Lindbergh got only 240 on his verbal, and he went on to invent the phonograph. And if that's not inspirational enough, let me tell you a little story about a young man who took his first SAT and did very poorly. His parents were disappointed; his friends laughed at him; his dog went to the bathroom on his feet. But that young man did not give up. He signed up to take the SAT again, and he prepared by getting up every day at 3:30 a.m. to study, and when the time came to take the second SAT, he walked into that testing room and set an American record — which will probably never be broken — for falling asleep. Today he makes his living wearing ill-fitting pants and serving contaminated hamburger to the public.

The point, young people, is that there is a right way and a wrong way to prepare for your SATs, and unless you are even stupider than you look, you want to do it the right way. To help you, I would like to present the following list of "Common Questions and Answers About the SAT," which was prepared by the American Association of High School Educational Professionals Hiding Out in the Lounge.

Q. What is the SAT?

A. The term "SAT" is a set of initials, or "antonym," standing for "Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization." This is a series of tests that predict your ability to perform in the college environment by measuring the degree to which you possess knowledge that nobody would ever in a million years actually need.

Q. What is the origin of the SAT?

A. The SAT was developed by the prestigious Educational Testing Service, which is located in Princeton, N.J., home of Harvard University. The original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the ETS's Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake." So the ETS invented a standardized test wherein high-school students were required to fill in circles on an answer sheet. The first SATs had no questions: Your score was based entirely on how many circles you filled in, and you could get extra credit by writing on your desk. When colleges complained that too many students were getting high scores, the ETS introduced questions, mostly on topics of interest to ETS personnel, such as "Where can you get decent Chinese food in the Princeton, N.J., area?" Today, the questions are developed by a prestigious team of world-renowned academic experts, who get them from "Jeopardy."

Q. Does the SAT ever contain errors?

A. Yes. Just last year, for example, an alert Michigan youngster named Jeremy Winklehopper received national attention when he noticed that, contrary to what he had learned in physics class, the SAT defined "gravity" as "a type of snake."

Q. What happened when this was brought to the attention of the Educational Testing Service?

A. Everybody enjoyed a hearty laugh, and then Jeremy's score was changed to minus 46,000 points, thus assuring that no college would ever accept him. He is currently employed in the field of urinal maintenance.

Q. Was the SAT definition of "gravity" changed?

A. Yes. It is now defined as "a heavy type of snake."

Q. What should I do if I don't know the answer to a multiple-choice SAT question?

A. Experts suggest that you start by "weeding out" the answers that are obviously false. Some of the telltale signs to look for are:
The answer contains swear words.
The answer is followed by a little sarcastic note in parentheses such as, "Oh, sure, that makes sense."
The answer contains the phrase, "according to a White House spokesperson."

Q. I have heard that I can increase my SAT score by attaching a $20 bill to the answer sheet. Is this true?

A. "Absolutely not," stated an Educational Testing Service spokesperson who identified himself as Bob. "You're going to have to do way better than that, with the price of decent Chinese food being what it is in Princeton." Bob noted that the record for the highest SAT score ever is still held by Donald Trump, who, while only in sixth grade, got 117 billion points.

Q. Can you give me the answers to this year's SAT test?

A. Well, I suppose if you sent me a large sum of cash money, I could. But that would be wrong, and I would never do such a thing, according to a White House spokesperson.